Good Bye 2012....

Good Bye my baby boy...

Until we meet in heaven...

One month....

Today in the Catholic Church is the Feast of the Holy Innocents...

where we remember those baby boys killed at the direction of King Herod who was manically trying to destroy the threat to his power that the birth of a newborn king represented...

today I also remember my own beloved little boy, an orphan no more, who died on
November 28 despite all the love and care we could give...

and ALL the the orphans in Russia....

2000 years later power hungry rulers are still sacrificing children on the altar of their egos....

my own little St. Henry, please pray for them and the families trying so desperately to reach them.

Abundantly blessed....

I know I have been...

so don't mistake my crying and sadness this Christmas season...

I have loved deeply...

and would never NEVER give up the love to save myself the pain.

I am beyond secure in the knowledge my Henry is playing at the feet of my Jesus and being held in the arms of His dearly beloved Mother.

I am beyond blessed with my amazing husband and the six wonderful children who are still here on earth in my arms and in the two little souls I will hug in heaven one day.

Because I am so abundantly blessed, I wish to bless your Christmas Eve and Day with two videos of Henry...

this one is from last May, 2012, when he began to "babble" weeks after his ear tube placement (remember to click on the arrow below to play the video, for those who I send the blog to directly via email you will need to view directly from the internet at www.bringinghenryhome.blogspot.com)...

and this one is the video taken by my 8 yo daughter Ella in Henry's hospital room at Children's Hospital in Philadelphia on November 7, 2012 exactly 3 weeks before Henry died....

A very blessed Christmas to you and yours.

I don't think I can do it...

Christmas that is.

At least Christmas the way we have always done it in the past.

With my parents, and sibs and their children on Christmas Day at my parents' house...

With my husbands family at our house all the next day...

It would kind of wreck the children's Christmas joy to have me curled up in a ball in the corner of the couch sobbing for the whole day...

Because I am not done crying yet.

In fact, I think I have not yet begun to cry...

The numbness that lasted about 10 days after Henry died is gone...

a raw aching hole remains and is keenly felt almost every moment of the day...

But especially when I see his pile of toys in the corner...

When my 3 year old Tessa asks at least 3 times a day to play house with me -

"You be the mommy, I be the big sister, and Henry be the baby who died."

I no longer go to therapy 4 times a week and see and talk with the women who were helping Henry and became such a huge support in my life...

I no longer "fit in" many of the Facebook groups I joined to discuss parenting a special needs child...

My whole life was mapped out for the next 18 years...

And now a HUGE chunk of that future has vanished.

I had a massive back crisis last Tuesday involving a bulging disc that landed me flat on the couch with severe pain and spasms the last 2 days... It is slowly getting a bit better with treatment and gentle therapy...

My brother in law said I should get a 20 pound weight to carry on my left hip to get my body back in balance...

And while he meant it a bit tongue-in-cheek, I do not doubt one bit that this is the problem...

My body is physically rebelling and reacting to the physical absence of the boy I carried around, who ate in my lap and who slept curled up on me or under my arm every single day for the last 14 months....

And my emotions are being "stuffed down" into my back and muscles because I feel I cannot cry in front of my children or anyone else and that it is time to get "back to work" and get all the accouterments of Christmas completed...

Heck I have not been able to go to my local grocery store because the last time I went was the morning before I took Henry into the hospital and I know I am going to look like a crazy woman walking around crying as I put items in my cart...

I just don't think I can "do" Christmas.

And I am not going to beat my "perfectionistic type-A" self up about that.

But what I think I CAN do is love my husband and children and family and thank God for sending his Son...

But quietly.

And maybe in solitude.

At least for this year.

An early Christmas present...

...for me...

...and for you...

I found 2 videos of Henry on my phone which I did not know were there...

they were taken by my 8 yo daughter Ella...

Here is the first (click on the triangle to "play")...

you will see the second on Christmas eve...

Thank you Jesus for this sweet present.

Sharing this...

http://southtownstar.suntimes.com/photos/galleries/16790727-417/vickroy-henrys-legacy-tiny-toddlers-light-shines-on.html

Don't miss the video of sweet Henry playing at the mall last spring...

I miss him so so much....

Before and After.

One of the most surprising things to my family and I as we mourn Henry is how stark the division has become for so many things in our life.

Yesterday as I was driving my son back to college I thought, "The last time I drove Luke back to U of I Henry was waiting for me to come home."

As my husband watched football Sunday afternoon he thought, "This is the first Bears game without Henry with us."

This morning as the alarm on my phone sounded to remind me to take Henry to therapy I thought, "I will have to cancel all 4 of the alarm reminders on my phone since we will not be going to therapy or having therapists come here any more."

A stark dividing line.

Before and After.

Before - Henry with us.

After - Henry not with us.

So it is easy to fall into the mindset that "before" is good and "after" is bad.

But what about this....?

Before - Henry abandoned in an orphanage crib.

After - Henry our beloved son and baby brother.

Or this.....?

Before - Henry with Larsen's Syndrome here on earth.

After - Henry perfect in heaven.

God takes ALL THINGS and makes them new.

He can take our worst pains and tragedies and turn them to joy through people who listen to His promptings and act as His hands to those in need...

Like all of you did for me and my family.

Through the almost 200 comments on my blog post that Henry had gone to his heavenly home...

Through a wall of light and love on my FB page that my husband and I wept over at midnight after Henry's wake...

Though teary eyes mamas and dads who brought their babies and children to say good-bye...

Through flowers and food and donations sent from close friends and even strangers... From my next door neighbor to a priest from Great Britain who I have no idea how he found Henry's blog...

Before - we were gratefully accepting help to pay for Henry's funeral and his final medical costs...

After - through your generous hearts, we have enough to pay for these...

And some left over to bless others.

We will be donating to the Village of Hope in Guatemala, where a brave family has moved their many children to care for orphans (international adoptions are not allowed from there) and the hungry, especially those with special needs. You can read more and make a tax deductible donation here:

http://www.nogreaterjoymom.com/2012/12/mission-house-for-life.html?m=1

Our family will be donating 7 bricks ($25 each) - one for each of our precious children, including Henry.

Please ask if you can help to build this House for Life - for those precious children who have no chance at an "after" with a loving family like Henry had for 14 months.

Thank you from the bottom of our hearts.

As we prepare....

for Henry's funeral Mass and to lay him to rest, I was compelled to tell each and every one of you that looking at my facebook Wall last night and reading the 100+ comments to my blog post Wednesday was one of the most amazing moments of my life.

You could not have touched my family and I more.

This morning my dear husband woke up and Googled Henry's name. There is page after page after page...

Those candles and comments and blog posts say to me that Henry's little life, his own special little flame, mattered.

I know he will continue to shine brightly from heaven. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.